- Hello...
- Hi there, missy!
- Oh, hi Satan! What's up?
- Hmm, nothing much ... actually I was wondering ... hmmm ...
- What?
- Hmmm ...
- Come on, just tell me. What were you wondering about?
- You know, it's always me calling you. So I was wondering if I wouldn't call you ... let's say for a week, would call to check on me?
- ....
- Well, would you?
- Satan, what the fuck is wrong with you? Are you some kind of woman on menopause or what?
- See? There you go again. It was just a question, you don't have to be so agressive.
- Have you been drinking?
- No, dear, I just want to know if It's only me being your friend.
- Pfffff ... In the first place you never give me the chance to call you cause you are bothering me all the time. In the second place you know I don't use my phone because it's too expensive while for you is free to call whenever you want so ... what else do you want from me? Do you want me to get you some flowers too?
- Stop being such a smart ass. It was a reasonable question.
- Alright, since we are on the sincere questions mode, I have one too.
- Shoot.
- Being friend with you means that I will definitely go to hell no matter how much of a nice person I am, doesn't it?
- Hahaha, now can I ask you ... have you been drinking? Hahahaha ...
- What's so funny?
- In the first place I don't believe you would like to go in any other place except "Hell".
- That wasn't the point ...
- In the second place I am very curious how much of a nice person do you think you are?
- What's that supuse to mean?
-Do you really think that the only reason you might go to Hell is that you are friend with me? Very modest, what can I say. Now come on, let's get real! Do you want to get together and shit on bus seats?
- Yes, sure!
“My own sex, I hope, will excuse me, if I treat them like rational creatures, instead of flattering their fascinating graces, and viewing them as if they were in a state of perpetual childhood, unable to stand alone.”
― Mary Wollstonecraft
"In the forest, there was a crooked tree and a straight tree. Every day, the straight tree would say to the crooked tree, "Look at me...I'm tall, and I'm straight, and I'm handsome. Look at you...you're all crooked and bent over. No one wants to look at you." And they grew up in that forest together. And then one day the loggers came, and they saw the crooked tree and the straight tree, and they said, "Just cut the straight trees and leave the rest." So the loggers turned all the straight trees into lumber and toothpicks and paper. And the crooked tree is still there, growing stronger and stranger every day.” ― Tom Waits
Who cares about straight trees/songs/ people? Let it be ( experimental )!
Enjoy!
- Yes, very good indeed. I must say I like it very much. As ma matter of fact, i think I'm going to order another one right now. Waiter! One more bier please.
- You know, I always wanted to ask you ... Why do you take all this crap from people? I mean ... Why don't you just defend yourself.
Satan took a deep breath, put on his sad face and told me in a low calm voice:
- You know ... I guess I kinda hoped for people to realize by themselves how stupid this God thing is, that they will see that most of the horrors done on earth are not done in my name, but in the name of God, but I guess there is no way of reasoning ... seeing that I became first disgusted and later bored. I mean what's the point?
- I understand, but is not really fair to you isn't it? I mean ... you are such a great guy, sweet and funny ... I think you should do something about it.
- Hey, easy with the sweet and funny or I'll start to think you want to blow me.
- Ha ha ha.
- Don't get offended now, I might actually like it.
- Go to hell, Satan!
- Ha ha ha. You see, I the opponent gives you the value, what should I do now? Make a revolution? Try to convince people of what? That their spiritual leader is bullshit and that Satan the one who burns people in hell is actually a normal guy? Plus I kinda took part at this, I shouldn't had make that bet.
- Waiter! One more bier for me too, please! What bet?
- One day I was with God and we were just hanging out ... like guys you know. We were both younger and could take much more than today, so after 2 bottles of whiskey, half kilo of weed, and 10 lines of coke He told me " Hey, people are the most stupid beings on the planet. Fuck, man, the are stuuuuuupiiiiid." "I wouldn't say that. They are the only rational beings on the face of the Earth. They did so many great things." said I. " Great things my ass! I bet I can tell them any fuckin' stupid thing and, for the sake of security, they will believe anything ... ANYTHING!". " I think you took a lot and you think too much of yourself right now." " Do you wanna bet? Do you dare? ", " Give me a splif of that joint! Phhhhhhhhh ... Yes, I dare, what are we betting on?", " Look, we'll do like this: if I win you will have to take people's hatred forever, If I lose It will o on me. Agree?", " Agree, but what do you have in mind?", "I'm gonna make up some story and tell them that I created them. I'll tell them that I first created the man and then the woman from the man's rib ...", " What? No way, man!", " ... and since I am their creator they will have to obey me forever and to whatever I tell them no matter how stupid it is. I' bet I can convince them to sacrifice their own children for me, I'll give them commandments, they will obey them, they will believe anything! I'll tell them that you wanted my power and so I sent you away from the my marvelous Kingdom of Heaven and that you are super wicked. They will all hate your guts.", " Man, you know I had always appreciated your self confidence, but I think this time you are going too far. ", " We'll see, tomorrow night we get really hammered and we write all this bullshit in a book and we throw it on Earth. Is gonna be really fun! They will chase you around and spit on you just because I told them so and Me ... I will RULE. Hahahaha!" ... And I guess you imagine what followed.
- Oh, shit! That's heavy! And aren't you gonna do anything about it?
- Like what? He was right, people really are stuuuuupiiiiid, they believed everything we wrote in that book without thinking or questioning. This is it, I lost!
- Poor little thing.
- Stop talking to me like that or I'll think you want to suck my balls.
“There is a stubbornness about me that never can bear to be frightened at the will of others. My courage always rises at every attempt to intimidate me.” ― Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice
- I wish I would've been a grown man. Is that wrong? Is it too much?
Asked me a dwarf.
- Oh, shut up! Dwarfs don't become grown men. They stay like this: small and cute.
- But I am not cute. I even have a few wrinkles, I'm old, a falling rock, nothing.
- And now what do want? sit here and complain about things that you can't change? Come on, get yourself together and move on!
- Like th ...
- Yes, just like that!
- You are a little agressive. Who hired you on this position?
- Which position?
- This one.
- I'm not hired anywhere, dude. I don't know what you are talking about.
- What do you mean? We are in the counseling office. What are you doing here if you are not a counselor?
I looked around and found myself in a strange wooden room with a couch, a desk where I sat on one side and the dwarf on the other. I looked in the mirror- Yes, it was me, but I had no idea where I am and why. I went outside and read what it was written on the door: " Hell's Counselor Office".
I came back and sat down in front of the dwarf who was giving me strange looks.
- So, what's going on, miss? Why suddenly so quiet?
- Excuse me, mr. dwarf, please go on with your story.
- As I was saying, I thought of all kind of solution , I even thought of suicide.
- Sui what? Mr. dwarf, please don't talk of such things.
- Yes, I know is difficult to understand for someone like you even for the other dwarfs; they really enjoy their condition, I don't because I see the big picture: This is a situation that I have to bare for eternity since we are basically imortal ...
- Yeah, yeah ...
- But we are growing old though ... I mean we are not imortal, young and beautiful like The Highlander. I am depressed for two weeks. I don't know what to do.
While I was listening to the dwarf's story I was discreetly searching my bag under the table.
" So, lighter, mirror ... phone ... found it! "
- So, what do you think I should do?
I took out my gun and ZBUFFFF! right in the dwarf's head.
" I don't have time for this, man"
I came close to check on him ... he was dead alright.
" Didn't he say he is imortal?" This reminded me of the song You can get it if you really want and I thought " What the hell, maybe you really can" and left the office.
On my way home I thought it would be nice to write a message to the only guilty guy for al this situation:
" Dear, Satan, I played along with many of your practical jokes, but this time you went too far so is your turn to play along with mine. Good luck washing the dwarf brains of the counseling office!
Since I gave birth to my son ( which was three weeks ago. thank you very much. ) people gave me all kind of advices. One of them was to sing lullabies to my baby, but I say " With so much great music in the world wouldn't it be a pity to sing to him some shitty lame lullabies? I mean ... Come on!"
So I made this compilation of some decent lullabies alternatives for babies and grownups.
